Bystander effect.

Change the colors of the sky
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died
To make it through the night
Love will find you
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me
all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind
words we could never find?

It isn't fair to chip away at my resolve or to yank the rug out from under my feet. You forced me to stumble until my hands found the wall and I pressed my back to it and slid down, until I was rocking on my stupid high heels and hidden in the shadow of the wall that cuts off the headlights as they pass the window on the stairwell. I put my arms up over my head so that I was as small as I could possibly be and how is that I'm still the biggest obstacle to you? How is that no one can move forward or sideways even? How is that you can't be kind in a time when I'm relying on you to help keep my spirits up? You took them instead and throttled them right off, drowning them in an icy puddle for good measure.

You admired me and then had the nerve to chastise me for wearing ridiculous shoes for your ridiculous night. Anger always worn on your sleeve for me, right beside the love, because I grew up and left you. Because you pushed me away because you were scared and I just figured that out last night.

You were scared.

Scared because for once you couldn't control every last emotion you had, scared because you didn't like the depth of what you felt and scared because you weren't the one people stared at any more. All those warning signs and you still chose to remain within reach, maybe because you couldn't help it or maybe because I couldn't. If your memory is that bad, just remember one thing.

I wasn't the one who wanted to let go.

This is your fault. Instead of being a coward, instead of shoving me away, you could have been a man like your friends were. You could have saved me from three lifetimes of pain and instead you're here to feast on my carcass like some kind of sick fucking vulture.

Every last time there was something difficult to do you weren't the one to do it, instead doubling back and reaping the spoils in your throwaway manner, forcing others to stand up and be men while you acted as if you were above all that. Well, you weren't, and I begged you to step in and show that perfection in your adult form, because you can't coast on sunburned-freckle fast-car teenage-curls forever.

Maybe you're the one who isn't strong and that's why I can hide from you, still on my feet, curled into a ball, avoiding the carnage when you land on your ass. Christ, I can see it from here but somehow you don't. Somehow you're blind, caught in a bright light but can't you see that everyone is passing you? They're stepping around you and in front of you like you're not even there.

I asked for one thing from all of you to help me through this. One simple thing. One thing to help me ignore my pliable resolve and keep me focused on the end in sight. A bigger picture for once instead of the here and now. Don't take too much. No looking back, no stepping sideways, no doubling around and sneaking into the dark to see me through to the morning. I asked for help because I needed help and instead you've taken advantage. I wanted one single happy ending in my life and instead you've worked hard to see that it never happens for me. Is it worth it? Can you sleep at night knowing that I don't feel safe with you anymore, knowing that I never know which end is up when I'm with you and that I'm not able to make any decisions at all anymore? Knowing that I'll never pick you?

And then you show your beautiful contempt for me and you look down your nose and tell me I'm slow and indecisive and irresponsible. Exactly as you raised me to be. You take pride in the fact that I tremble when you touch me, instead of seeing why I really do it. You refuse to see anything but what's right in front of you. You're as ruined as I am but there's no reason to your destruction so capitalizing on mine isn't going to save you anymore than this will save me. When are you going to get out of my way so I can stand up again? Who's going to let go first?

It should be me, only I can't do it, and that's why I asked you to do it for me. Why didn't you just tell me you couldn't do it either? Why didn't you tell me I was the strong one? That's it's the courage that makes me flutter? You forced me to grow up fast and yet you haven't changed a bit. Get out. Just go. Just take your leave from my life and stop coming back. I can't do this, I need you to. It can't be that hard to let me go, hell, all your other friends have done it. Just have some fucking courage for once in your miserable life and listen to me, please, Lochlan.

For once.

Dirty Little Secrets, edition#485759372-D

1)PJ's surrogate husband status.

PJ went on date number three with eharmony girl number five last night. She gave him the "it's not going to work out" speech and cut the night short before dessert. Why? Oh, because PJ thought his dinner conversation about Ruth's science fair project and his work on revamping the workshop in my basement was perfect dinner conversation. Apparently his date told him he should have listed his wife and children as his interests. He said he didn't have a wife and kids and she told him he most certainly did and he was a jerk for trying to pick something up on the side. Did we not go through this six times already? But I tell him to go away and he just stays around longer. Ironic, the ones I want to leave won't and the ones I want to keep don't stay.

2) Behind and above my fridge.

Please know I'm a neat freak. Everything has a place. Everything. I used to be worse, every dish in the sink would be washed or I couldn't fall asleep at night. I'm training myself to leave the empty mug on the coffee table overnight just to see if I can.

But the top of my fridge is a whole other story. I don't know if it's a fallback to the days of childproofing (or maybe dogproofing), but important papers and things I need to read are placed on top of the fridge. And since my fridge is six feet tall and I am five feet tall, I try to shove new papers up on top and that pushes all the other papers back further. Eventually they begin to fall behind the fridge. It's built into a cupboard so I don't notice.

I knew I had a problem when someone asked for a copy of Jacob's death certificate and I was out of them (Make copies. You will always need copies) and so I said I would grab one, that it was probably behind the fridge and she looked at me funny and of course, I got PJ (fake husband #1) to pull out the fridge and it was there, along with Cole's softball schedule and Ruth's first origami project. Lochlan's missing vehicle registration from 2006 was there too. Oops. Condoms that expired a year ago. Church proofs. God, it was a time capsule from hell. Everything went into a bin for sorting and there is now a stack of empty baskets on top of the fridge. They will remain empty.

I'm thinking of shoving the bin full of papers under my bed.

3) The lyrics.

I got a very imaginative letter from a reader who wonders if the song lyrics I post are actually secret messages.

Well, now, hello, my pretty.

You're half right and really this is the FIRST time ever in almost five years someone has contacted me to ask that very question and I'm really proud. I should have had prizes prepared. Also stellar are the two people who may have guessed right on a few other topics of great mystery and intrigue but I won't address any of them because great mystery! Intrigue!

Is this the most annoying entry I have ever written? Yes, I think so too.

I got to be Diane Lane for a night. Don't laugh too hard.

Notice I'm not sleeping in, which is kind of ironic and not surprising at all. I'm so used to the kids getting me up earlier and the pets wanting to be fed that I am up regardless.

Last night was fun. I played third wheel on a date with Daniel and Schuyler and they took me to see a movie in another language (Korean, I think) with no subtitles so it was very difficult to figure out what happened. Then we went to what had to be the world's most dimly-lit Italian restaurant, where they make these GIGANTIC overstuffed tortellinis and at every bite you promise you're done. But then they pour more wine and bring more baskets of olive-oil-soaked bread, and before I knew it, it was after midnight and they had pulled the tables back and turned the music up and we were dancing.

Okay, they were dancing.

I was watching for a long time and eventually the bread ran out too and Daniel gave me his coat because they had opened the doors to the patio for some air and the elderly owner came over and offered me his arm so I did a waltz with him, very slowly. Twice around. Older men have no issues, he stared into my eyes, a delighted smile on his face, sure feet, sure hands. Schuyler has video. Everyone stopped dancing and I got this twinge as we moved. Like why am I here? What in the hell am I doing in this fun and dark little place wearing my husband's little brother's suit coat over my dress dancing intimately with a seventy-year old (at least) man whose name I don't even know and I felt like there was a rock in my stomach and a lump in my throat.

Eventually the music faded and I was passed on to Daniel's arm for the walk to the car, through the snow in my little high heels and thin black wool coat. Lochlan was waiting up. He asked if we had a good time and I said it was the best, save for the homesickness. I was halfway up the stairs and I stopped when I realized he was still talking from the living room below.

It sucks, being a grownup sometimes, doesn't it, princess?

No, Lochlan, it really doesn't. I just danced with a man who is far away from home, too. If I could give him a moment from his memory when he was a young man, dancing with a pretty girl while people clapped, and have the music, the food and everything else the same? Then it definitely didn't suck. By default, I think I learned something.

What's that?

I definitely need to have more fun.

He didn't say anymore and I came upstairs and had a hot shower, tossed my beautiful dress in the hamper, noticing for the first time exactly how much wine and olive oil I had spilled on it, decided I didn't care, and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

No dreams.

Redefine pulse.

Spring break has descended on the house once again and this morning the excitement was palpable as the kids gathered up their backpacks and most treasured books and their new digital cameras for the flight home. They get to go on the little plane with their Uncle Caleb, who is taking the week off and will puddle-jump them from Nova Scotia to Newfoundland before returning them to me at the end of next week.

(Don't ask. First one to say Mafia Uncle under their breath swims with the fishes.)

I would have gone but I don't go, this trip is not for me, it's a chance for the kids to be free of me, free from my rules and my moods and free from the darkness that keeps a fairly tight grip on this beautiful house.

Ben called last evening and talked to each child for a very long time, asking them to be safe and listen carefully to their uncle and their grandparents too and to have fun, that he missed them badly. He talked to me too and then he even talked to Lochlan and then he talked to me again.

And I realized about an hour ago that all of my anchors are now gone.

Crumbs in the guitar.

I can't focus when I'm near you.
Do you notice me at all?

Three-year-olds always know when you're distracted. And my house is no longer childproofed nearly enough for this little tornado of a boy. Gabriel, who is going to piggyback on the rest of my day because his mom got stuck at work this morning and has a chance to take another shift until she can have her husband pick her up on his way home. For those who are new to the story Gabriel is my little neighbor across the street. I look after him when there is an emergency, which amounts to about once every six or eight months.

Gabriel has tried seven times to make me share his peanut butter and jelly.

Share? Bridgie? Some? Eat some? Have some?

No, thank you.

Hungry, Bridgie? Here, half. I have half. Do you have cookies?

Yes, I have cookies and apple slices when you're finished your sandwich.

Chocolate cookies, Bridgie?

Yes, sweetheart. Chocolate. We like chocolate in this house.

Me, too.

He keeps things simple, you know that? Lochlan walked past the living room earlier on his way to get a glass of milk and stopped and watched us. We made a ramp with books and we were driving little bulldozers up into the plants and rearranging the dirt. Okay, I was, because clearly Gabe is a animal-lover and my cats are terrorized beyond belief, having been picked up and hoisted over his shoulder so many times in one morning they have gone off to hide until the tornado warning has ended.

I'm kind of hoping he stays for dinner. It's awfully nice to be with a cute guy who wants to share his sandwich, with no expectations or innuendos otherwise. Of course someday Gabriel is going to grow up and use these blonde curls and blue eyes to wreak all kinds of havoc on hearts everywhere so maybe I'm just tilting at windmills again.

I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.

Because I'll look cute in flannel, that's why.

They make me laugh. I woke up today, the coffee was ready. The paper had already been stolen and dissected, sections spread from the kitchen to the living room to the den. August was in the den with the life and times. Lochlan in the living room with the headlines and PJ had the sports section but was folding it up backwards and he got to me before my toes touched the floor at the bottom of the steps and I looked up at him and muttered a morning greeting that had nothing good within it.

Hallo. There is snow, Padraig.

It won't last, princess.

Did you see how much snow there is?

Yes. I drove over.

I'm moving. Where should we go?

Stop complaining and come eat. Want to run?

No. I won't get anywhere today.

Treadmill?

No.

You're such a little bitch in the mornings. Have some coffee.

Offer me Ben and I'l be nice.

I would if I could just to shut you up.

Ouch, PJ.

I didn't mean it.

Hug?

Sure. Come here.

I could feel his chin pressing against my forehead. PJ hugs so hard when he's in the mood. He wasn't asking me something, I could tell.

What is it, Peej?

Hmm? Nothing?

Liar.

Fine. Did he call?

You already know the answer, one of these turkeys probably filled you in already.

You okay?

Do I get to pick if I am or not?

Always.

I'm actually fine, just don't bring it up.

You brought him up.

He lives in the front of my mind like a giant billboard. A flashing one. In Times Square even. LEDs and everything. Viral. Pick something.

Give him some time.

You guys need to give Ben some time.

We are.

Some of you are.

You're the first priority here. Ben can look after himself.

Ha. Of course he can't. We're the children, aren't we?

Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

Did you see how much snow there is?

He paused then, realizing the conversation was going to be a loop and changed tactics instead.

You want some coffee?

I would love some coffee.

What do you want to do today, then?

Wallow.

Sorry, you're not allowed. I have a plan.

Oh, God.

Yes, be afraid.

Is this going to be like that time we burned down the campsite?

Nope, better.

The hazmat-suit weekend?

Even better.

I give up. Tell me.

You're going to help us finish your kitchen.

You mean like with tools? And wood...and...tools?

Yes. It will keep you busy and you'll learn something.

I'll have you know I helped build muscle cars before I could drive.

No, Bridget. You sat on the table in your short little skirt and polished chrome and looked adorable. Like a living pin-up poster in a mechanic's garage. Teenage heaven.

Why can't I do that while you finish the kitchen?

Because you need something to keep you busy, that's why. And we're not teenagers anymore.

I turned and eyed Lochlan and he was smiling.

Is this your idea, pretty boy?

Serves you right, princess.

You do realize this won't make me like you MORE. Probably the opposite.

I'll risk it.

You're risking all kinds of things lately.

Some things are worth taking risks for.

And some aren't. Remember that when I saw your fingers off.

Can you hear me now?

What the hell have I meant
If this how the day ends, I regret,
Close your eyes and dream now the world so far
Your heart sounds alone and I connect,
In all the ways I've dreamed you,
I chose a song to reach you,
But why it's sad again,
Only now I see it,

Ben's call kind of threw me off. No, I mean it really threw me off. Alternately, I expected the charming, everything will be fine Ben or I expected the stripped-down bare bones I can't do this Ben. That's what I got. Yes, both. Everything. He talked a mile a minute, one minute planning our future into old age and the next minute giving me away again, dropping that permission between us that he would not blame me for a second if I ran for the hills, or to one of his friends, one, in particular. Telling me he was relieved to be there and the next minute he was crawling out of his skin because he was there.

It's beautiful, no, baby, it's horrible. I love you, I hate you. I wish you hadn't done this to me, go away. I need you. I'm fine by myself, got this far didn't I? Are you okay? I don't care if you are or not.

I've been reassured by virtually everyone on the planet (and then some) who know much better than me and at this early stage, for once, it means Ben is doing well. Really well. And I have been promised that they'll put him back together so I will still recognize him when he makes it back to me. Sometime at the end of April, but hey let's please not talk about how far away that is because Bridget will put her head down between her elbows and slide right out of your grasp, okay?

Because seriously, I've been picked up off the floor enough since that call.

One bad thing to come out of this was Lochlan's attitude, which was a take-charge kind of resolution because his spin on the confusion was to decide Ben is too messed up to be human and will never come home and the time has come to take back what he had before Cole came into my life and maybe do it right this time.

And Lochlan maybe is going deaf now that he's in his forties and maybe he's not paying attention but I didn't take Ben's advice and I'm not going to be forced or coerced into being with Lochlan in any kind of permanent way. In fact, I would prefer that he stop with the proposals and stop forcing my head around, making it move so that I am looking in his eyes and I wish he would know that no, well it means no. It means stop touching me like that. It means I don't want to play games and it means get your priorities straight and it means even though it appears everyone else has?

I'm not giving up on Ben.

I'm not letting go of him, I'm not letting him go and once again I think it's time that I shore up my strength and I ball up my fists and I invoke every last measure of borrowed expectation that I can find, and I'm going to wait. Wait for my husband to get better and come home and be the man he promised he would be and wow, if he manages to come back and we follow through with even half the plans he spelled out in one of his more hopeful moments in which we could hear each other's voices, well, then I will be a happy girl. I will be a happy girl if he can lay some of his demons to rest once and for all, plans or no plans. I don't care. I want him to get better and come home to me.

And if he never makes it and never comes back and none of this works out and I pop another attempt at a fairy tale like a bubble landing in the tall grass on a hot summer day?

Well, I'll tell you right now, the plan will not be Lochlan.

Bridget and her third world kitchen.

Somehow yesterday I found myself in a swanky home furnishings place, in the kitchen section. Little did I know I was supposed to have all this stuff to make my life easier. I had to buy fuel for the fondue burners, because fondue=fun and I needed a hamper because the laundry basket, filled to overflowing, always sitting in the corner of my giant bathroom, looks ridiculous.

I used to have a saying, that when you felt like decorating, it meant you had no problems left in the world. And though I am prone to never taking a single thing in my life for granted and constantly waiting for the telltale footfall of that other shoe dropping, sometimes I want life to look nice and be slightly easier, too.

But not enough, apparently.

We wound up being ambushed by a saleswoman who steered us away from the unknown fly-by-night ninja-manufacturer blender and toward the Cuisinarts, because they chop and blend. And frankly Ben has wanted a blender around here forever because he is big on smoothies and floats and scratch soup and guacamole and whatever else provides the health-nut yang to his McDonalds-penchant yin. So surprise, when he gets home there will be a blender here.

Now, apparently the deciding factors in buying a blender are that it's by a reputable brand name (check), it has dishwasher-safe attachments (I have no dishwasher) and it matches the appliances (WHAT).

I'm much better at buying cars. At least they haggle and throw in fun things. This was $149.99 (OMG Bridget you can't NEGOTIATE at the checkout) and the only fun thing included was a recipe booklet that I don't think included a single thing that I already have on hand. Which means, now I have to go grocery shopping.

I thought this thing was supposed to make my life easier.

I am assured that all things look easier after you've downed a few of the mocha frappes in this booklet. I will report back later and let you know, even though I know my collective public is aghast that I have just revealed that the castle is indeed as medieval as you all have feared, since, I mean, come on, the appliances don't even match.

I have my priorities in order. I'd much rather have a butler, and then he can deal with the fact that there's no dishwasher around to put the swanky new blender parts in.

Sky captain.

The finale of Battlestar Galactica was EPIC.

I know, shut up already, that's all the entire internet is talking about. Well, maybe you should have watched it. It was pretty profound for a science fiction series. After the first hour of total space carnage, that is.

Some of my boys cried. I won't say who or why, for those of you who have TIVO or similar devices and haven't managed to catch it yet (Chase/Andrew/Schuyler). I won't go on about it too much, really, for I'm busy living my own incredibly profound life that has an equal amount of action and carnage and hope, death and resurrection too.

Bravo.

Echo.

November.

My much-anticipated phone call came last night and for once it wasn't what I expected. Well, half of it was expected and the other half complete surprise, cleaved down the middle in a firm dividing line of opposites and it left me confused and somewhat happy and somewhat sad and I haven't talked to anyone about it. Not Daniel. Not Lochlan and not anyone else either. Quiet once again. I don't know where to begin and so I won't even try until I figure it out for myself. I don't mean to worry people, hell I was the last of several to talk to him this week and I have a feeling my call was a whole lot different then theirs were. And so the party line goes something like this: He is working very hard, and we are very proud of him.

I guess for you coming to gape and to gawk at my life the highlight of this post is knowing that yes, Ben is okay and he is still where he needs to be right now and that is the only bottom line I have for you, so please don't ask me for any more than that and I promise not to spoil the ending of Battlestar Galactica for you in return.

TBSGF.

Instead of writing about my wet run this morning through a spring taking it's SWEET TIME to arrive, to the point where I think my hair grows faster than the snow is melting, and instead of telling you about that time (yesterday) when PJ forgot that he was supposed to spend the day with me so I wound up alone for too long and got into the home movies and oh just FAIL already Bridget, you stupid, drippy, unpredictable sentimentalist, I'm going to do something different.

(For the record, PJ did not actually forget to hang out with me. His email said ten and I assumed he meant ten in the morning, not ten at night. I never clarified and happily sent Lochlan off thinking PJ would arrive any minute. I wound up spending most of the afternoon at August's office and then PJ came and got me and by eight last night I had a whole collection of men hanging out in the living room watching home movies. Which made it far less difficult in the end.)

Now, let's move on.

It's Friday.

It's the vernal equinox, which means the sun will cross the equator, day and night are suddenly the same length and this marks the official end of my seventh winter here. One small step for Bridget, one giant leap for the rest of you who have to listen to her complain.

It's above freezing. Did I mention spring is coming?

Seriously. It's just hard to get past that part.

Tonight is the very last episode of Battlestar Galactica. Did I mention the winters here are long and cold and the boys have officially hooked me on all kinds of things I couldn't stand before. I laugh every single time someone says "frack!". Did I mention I'm also looking forward to the Tron sequel?

Did I mention my birthday is forty-six days away and the boys say I'm just finally getting cooler as I get older? Did I mention they're all huge liars and cringing at the thought of me walking around repeating the number of years I am old in total disbelief, wondering how I got to this place when my brain is forever seventeen years old? The hype is unbelievable this year. I do unbirthdays. I am worried now.

Tonight we're going to have something without vegetables for dinner. Because we can.

Tonight I'll listen to music that is attached to no one and brings forth no memories.

Today I noticed my ponytail does what it used to do and it made me feel like me again.

Today I noticed that black nailpolish has incredibly short wear time, even though for once I put it on myself and used topcoat and everything and still chipped all to rock-club junkie hell within twelve hours.

Today I noticed I'm singing along with the stereo again.

Today I turned down a lunch date from Satan and accepted one from Jesus (Sam).

Today I will vaccume the living room. I'm a thirty-something-year-old writer who can't spell that word for the machine that sucks lint out of my lovely Turkish rug. Fuck it. Some things can't be helped.

Today I'll have the last cream soda freezie from the freezer. That leaves all the orange and the coconut.

It's a good day. A surprisingly damn good day.

This has nothing to do with the once-rumored now-confirmed phone call scheduled for tonight from Ben. I just hope he doesn't call during Battlestar Galactica.

Oh my God, I'm kidding. Geez, lighten up.