I'm holding onThat feeling when you've sung a lyric wrong for close to ten years is a joke to some people. To me it's just one more reminder of my shortcomings, something vital and precious that's soon to leave me. That will be a grief of a whole different kind but for now I've got my headphones on in church and they're on rather loud, though you can't hear them sitting right beside me because Ben chose these ones specifically and he knows what works for every occasion.
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
My world is a lie that's come true
And I fall in love with the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is you
He squeezes my hand. I got him out of bed to go to church, he's loaded us up on fresh hot forbidden coffee in return and Sam isn't going to say a word about these headphones because we brought him coffee too. He's been a stranger lately while he sorts himself out and I miss him but I also replaced him for the time being with Duncan who woke up and laughed because no, he didn't want to go to church so we left him there in our bed to wear off the high of sleeping on the coveted third floor. Or whatever the draw is. Can't be me. I'm not whole. God's not going to make me whole, Duncan's certainly not and really there's no hope but I put on a pretty dress anyway and showed up with a smile because that's what you do. Life isn't hopeless, after all. It can be a rollercoaster though, that's for sure.
Speaking of coasters, Lochlan leans his head in between Ben and I. I feel his presence a heartbeat before that happens, a teenage thrill that runs up the back of my neck and that gives me hope that the sound of life will be replaced easily by bigger feels, stronger intuition, bulletproof telepathy when now it's somewhat unreliable, spotty coverage, like wifi on the point.
Guess who's on vacation?
It's finished?
My part, yes. I don't have to go back. I'm only on call until Tuesday and Schuy said if anyone calls me they'll be fired.
He climbs over the bench to sit on my other side, arm curling around me, pulling me in tight. What did I miss?
I smile because I wonder if he's been home. We're here for appearances.
Ben laughs, No, we're here to prop up Sam.
Sam's doing better.
It goes past appearances, I remind him of what I just said. He needs to know we've got him.
I think he knows. He motions to Sam who comes over and leans toward us to hear whatever murmurs we're about to have with him when Lochlan grabs him fully and pulls him right over the bench into his lap.
How are you doing, Preacher?
Good. Good. Nice to have you here. I need to see your faces today. He grins sheepishly, kissing Lochlan's cheek. He stands up and hugs me for a long time and moves along to Ben for a hug. Ben kisses him on the lips possibly with tongues involved and holds him hard while he does.
Oh. I love to watch these things.
Sam laughs with tears in his eyes. I needed that too. And Ben laughs and claps him gently on the back, letting him out of the row. We sit back down and listen as the whispers spool up behind us from those who disapprove of what I don't know. I'm sheltered. Maybe they think affection and church mix like oil and water. Maybe they think people shouldn't show their feelings. Maybe there should be no visible love between brothers. Maybe preachers shouldn't fall in love with their landladies and spend time in their beds. Maybe they can go fuck themselves. I'm not here for them. I'm not even here for God. I'm here because I want to support my friend who has supported me since forever and I'm not going to apologize for a goddamned thing anymore.
Except maybe replacing him with Duncan because I'm sure that will come up later. Whoops.