Break the insideThis is how we argue now and it's ludicrous. He does laps around me with the unicycle and I stand in the middle of his circle, eyes closed. We don't talk. I just stand there. It's dumb.
Hurt in a way you'll like it
Eager to find
Find me another heart
The minute he's in charge I am infantilized again, right back to the good old days.
Brush your teeth, Bridgie.
Here, Peanut. Have some more carrots. Do you want some milk?
(Do I want milk? No, I don't want any fucking milk. I don't think I'm going to grow any more.)
I'll close this window. It's cooling off. You'll freeze.
It's late. We need sleep.
Come here.
And on and on and I counted about ten or so direct orders in as many hours before I stopped listening altogether. The only reason I came outside tonight is because he asked nicely if I would. As in, Bridget, would you please come outside with me? If he hadn't said please I would still be inside tucked under PJ's arm, reading my book.
Here I am. And there he goes again in another circle. He's waiting for me to talk first. He'll be doing circles all night because I don't plan to.
Seven more circles and I sit down in place, legs crossed, shoulders folded in around me. Making myself small. Chin on my hands, elbows on my knees. PJ comes out, watches this spectacle for a moment and then goes back inside, shaking his head. He doesn't get involved unless he thinks I need protecting. I don't.
Well, some parts do. My heart. My head. And maybe Loch is right. If I would just listen to him, he could direct my life like a film and things would be that much easier.
For him.
I have a personal credo to do everything the hard way, it seems and so I rail against that.
You know, before he left, Ben talked to me too. We have a mutual approach to you. If it makes you happy, it's okay.
Oh, bullshit. If that was the case I would sleep on the beach every night! Among other things! CHRIST.
That would be dangerous and you'd get cold and...what? What other things?
Things that would MAKE ME HAPPY!
THEN PICK SOMETHING ELSE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. Loch roars it back and PJ comes back to the screen door, watching him. I wave him away with one hand.
Treat me like an adult.
He stops in the middle of an arc and jumps off the cycle. What did you say?
Treat me like an adult. An equal.
Bridge, this is bes-
Jesus, you won't even CONSIDER it, will you?! I made it this far without you. Surely by now you can see that I'm not a child anymore.
You made it this far without me? Consider that if you had been 'with' me it would have saved both of us a lot of pain.
Who's fault is that? I'm on my feet again. He presses his nose down against mine and backs me right across the walkway. PJ comes out and starts to come down the front steps.
PJ, we really need some privacy here. Please.
Right back into the fire. Lochlan is the one who left. He's the one who refuses this role time and time again.
It's the Devil's fault, Bridge.
No, it's yours!
Then let me try and fix it. For the last time.
What if it's too late?
We're both here, aren't we? It's not too late, I swear it, Bridget. Jump like your life depends on it already because I think it might.
What if you aren't there to catch me?
What if I am?
But what if you're not?