We love our tragediesI went to breakfast this morning with the boys. I ate a huge plate full of omelet and hash browns and then I drank fifteen little teeny cups of coffee. It was glorious. The restaurant played music I could swallow easily with my breakfast. That's rare. I sat by the window so I could look out and watch the storm clouds sweep away the rain. I was not too warm and not too cold but just right. I was wearing leggings, ballet flats and a long dark green sweater. I felt like Peter Pan. It kept making me laugh. My hair flips up in little waves all over the place like Sam's now. It's bordering on cute. It makes me look kind of goofy though too. I haven't decided if that's good or bad so I'll go with a-okay.
We're both broken in our own little ways
We're broken, but we fit together just right
You know I saw the black inside your eyes
I saw they were eclipsed by mine and they looked just right.
Caleb kept kicking me under the table and after a good twenty minutes Loch hauled off and booted right back. I guess Caleb didn't notice my legs were tucked under my chair, and I was sitting in the crook of Lochlan's arm, leaning on him, so we were both getting knocked.
Lochlan smiled afterward and sat up straight to pour more coffee.
And we talked about my guardianship. I broached the subject because the time has come for it to be removed, I think and half the time I look after them, when they think they're looking after me. There's no pressing emergency here. I don't think I require representation any longer and I'd like to begin dismantling some of the needless monitoring, time wasting and general distrust, or fear, as it were.
But they said no.
Too soon.
You're not ready.
Let's just wait a little longer.
It's not hurting anything.
Just because things are good today doesn't mean it's always like this.
Just let us take care of you.
I tried very hard to hold on to the good things about the morning but all it did was serve to remind me that I will never be taken seriously, never be one of them, my coveted boys, and never be considered capable enough of taking care of myself. Sam said I should find comfort in being looked after but I just sat there and looked at him because he knows so much better than this.