Walking with Batman this morning, sweaters and coffee pulled close as we tracked the receding tide. I'm struck by the fact that he is incredibly put out that I declined his breakfast invitation in favor of a walk on the beach. I'll decline absolutely everything in favor of a walk on the beach.
He doesn't know me. He likes the idea of me. He likes the way I look and the way I defer to men and the way I can be exactly what he wants at any given moment and that I put more value on integrity than wealth but at the same time he doesn't really know that I love the sea or that I worry for them all. He, like the others, doesn't seem to see that I am getting old and losing my nerve again and that I'm afraid of everything.
Or maybe he does and it's upsetting so he just stuffs it deep down inside and buries it with other things. Normal humans can do that. I'm not normal.
I'm not interested in gossip today.
This isn't gossip, it's potential ammunition.
Then you use it. He's away living life, which is what I asked him to do. Henry needs a father who is healthy and has a good life. I'm glad he went.
Bridget-
Can we just drop it, please? Do you want to talk about him on such a beautiful day?
He stops and stands there smiling at me. I'm starting to feel like a mouse in a lab, as people study me for far too long waiting to see if I'll flinch when the shock comes or die in the throes of whatever they've done to me. Or maybe I'm an immortal mouse and I just won't die.
Cool.
Squeak squeak.
You're right. Instead let's talk about Jake.
My blood freezes, flexes and thaws in the space it takes me to realize he means New Jake and not my Jake.
He's doing really well and I'm thinking of offering him something a little more formal than freelance thug. What do you think?
I think he tries to dumb himself down to be liked and isn't cut out for thug designation.
Agreed. Then I'll give him the offer and see what happens. We seem to be quietly fading away, Bridget, making plans for the future, passing torches, trying to quietly extricate from a life of nonstop work.
So you go from trying to weaken your enemies to identifying with them.
Do you miss anything?
I miss everything.
I don't think you do.
That's because you don't know me very well.
Maybe that can change.
Or maybe things will just stay the way they are.
We walk on, silent at last so I can listen to the sea as she tells me things only meant for me. She knows me better than anyone.
