Wednesday, 2 December 2009

B is for Birthday.

Ben is forty-one today and the fun is just starting. Everyone is coming to dinner tonight and we had so many offers of breakfast and lunch it just seemed easier to bring extra chairs to the barn door table and cook up three packages of bacon and two of eggs. I really should get a bigger stove.

And I got the first gift, when his hand slid over my mouth before six this morning. So I wouldn't wake the whole household with joyful noises he was creating by touching different places. They slept on and we played until the sun came up and then very reluctantly tore ourselves away from our bed. Everything holds more meaning now again. He'll be spending the majority of the days of January, February and possibly March away from me.



Aren't you excited? You have all that to look forward to. A midwinter rollercoaster. Bring the de-icing machine and your best sense of adventure. This is going to be very tough. I will be packing. He'll be working in New York, mostly, I think. Again nothing is carved in stone and I swear I only cried once because we figure we'll get through it (he will, I will fall apart) and soon everything will come out okay on the other side (last time took years).

I really don't think I can do this and so I hope it's all just a bad dream. Only it isn't and I'm very immature and that's okay for today. I will just quietly fall apart late at night when everyone else blindly sleeps, secure in the fact that their lives are easier while mine is not.

I'm trying to find the silver lining. First I need to polish off all this tarnish. It's going to take forever, this is years of buildup and I'm not very skilled with optimism. I'll admit it. I will try and really that's all I can manage for today. Still not crying so maybe something will go less difficultly for ONCE IN MY LIFE.

Here's hoping. Here's to grace. Here's to Bridget with a smile on her face.

Anyway, yesterday saw one single egg lobbed very gently at my back by Daniel but it's okay, when he was otherwise engaged I went out and filled his boots with snow and brought them in to melt on the grate in the back porch. I am still waiting to see if he's maybe removed all of the tires from my car or replaced the Count Chocula cereal with dog food.

So at twelve we'll drive downtown and meet August, Sam, Dalton, Corey and Caleb for lunch and then some shopping at the music store and some of the record stores too and then dinner here (I can't say much more about that part because he reads this) and then maybe some late night fireworks or a long walk in the snow. Or maybe we'll just clear everyone out of here early and get the kids off to dreamland and we can finish what we started this morning.

Oh, look. Here's hope once again.

Nice to see it still thrives here.