Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Because it's twosday and I have a lot on my mind.

I apologize. I'm prone to wax poetic when faced with old, bad, familiar news. I also posted half an entry, but you can't tell, because I spin. And here, I might even get personal.

Bridget cannot be fixed.

Like anyone had any doubt. Okay, one person did and I feel bad for him. He's so idealistic, so innocent in his plans to conquer the universe. My God.

He's awesome.

And naive.

And he never listened when Cole laughed seven years ago one night and told Jacob that he made sure he broke me good. I didn't listen either, instead attempting to take full responsibility for myself and my problems. A losing battle that made it that much worse.

But hearing that we've gotten just as far as we're ever going to get here just sucks monumentally because I watched Jacob, I watched his expressions unfold as they pinned him to his chair with pessimistic prognoses that he had thus far refused to sit for or acknowledge. He gave no weight to them before, preferring to enjoy a false levity, a gamut of second and third and fourth opinions that merely served to grind it in, salt in a wound. Clarity was never a more unwelcome revelation in our presence as he realized with total and utter grief that he's not going to be able to undo it by galloping in on his white horse to save this princess from certain danger.

The time has passed now.

    Time is slipping away, passing us by,
    You're wondering why but it's gone,
    Gone forever my friend,
    and it won't come again
    So don't try to pretend you feel fine
    Killing time,
    killing time

It's a fucking joke, really. I didn't start out this way. And I'll blame Cole until the day I die. I'm going to give myself that, right or wrong. Chemical, my ass. The simple fact is that Cole had twenty years of me all to himself to beat me into this frame of mind, and it will probably take Jacob twenty years to love it right out again.

Which is okay. We've got time.

When we came back home he put his arms around me and he told me I had it wrong. But instead of berating me with further attempts to find ways to get inside my head and tinker with the parts that aren't working, he instead gave me a gift that I don't think I know quite what to do with but it left me speechless in his generosity and total surrender all the same.

He asked me if I would take care of him.

I could never make you understand what that means to me, for us. You'll never fully understand what lies between us and surrounds us. With all my stupid words, I could never sufficiently describe it. It goes to the bottom of the deep blue sea.

That I will do, Jacob.