This morning I am gifted with Blind Melon karaoke. Which is great but Jacob's voice sounds more like Jason Wade than the late great Shannon Hoon when he sings so it comes out like Lifehouse cover songs. Hilarious. I never thought I'd love Lifehouse so much until Jacob started walking around this house singing songs from their third album so movingly all day long. He floors me. Can't you tell?
Esoteric Bridge reigns supreme today. Just maybe. Or maybe it's the sugar. We have fresh jars of honey. I love summer. I'm totally high. It's bittersweet.
Or maybe it's the introspection.
A little non-news. No, Ben is so not back in my life. Too soon. I sometimes forget he reads here. In which case I wind up dancing with censoring of my words and it won't flow. Jacob doesn't want to hear from Ben. I miss him but not enough to forget. Not yet, I'm sorry. And no Jake isn't deciding this for us. I am.
Jacob is so preoccupied anyway lately but I'm not complaining. I think the heat has gotten to him. I keep catching him smiling hugely at me and when I ask him what's so funny he says it's nothing, instead of telling me what he's thinking. He keeps telling me he just needs sleep and a bit of a lighter workload. He's got so much going on now it's hard to keep up with him. I miss him and he's down the hall half the time. He took on two more appointments each week, couples who asked him to do some counseling. Marriage counseling. It's so ironic I can't wrap my brain around it half the time. He's good at it though. Really good at it. I asked him how he got so good at it and he said he has a guide. I asked him if it was God or love that guides him. He said there might be less of a difference than I think. I said I think it's too early for this conversation.
He is proud of me though. I asked him if he would just take the bottle of antidepressants and dispense them and play pharmacist and he was honored to be the keeper of the drugs. He said I can tell everyone that HE gets me high and it's legal.
Because he wrote off another friend after reading back through the comments here one night, noticing I wrote that Mark had offered to give me something after Cole died to keep me from feeling it and Jake sort of very quietly and measurably hit the fucking roof. Turns out the once-strong group is the most secretive, dysfunctional bunch ever. It fell apart. All of it. Exposed to the harsh light of reality the expectations were shattered and we're left rather brittle as individuals. The bonds of friendship have been sorely tested this summer and they haven't held in some places and it's just been more to deal with.
I don't think a lot of my friends actually believed I would really wind up with Jake. They saw it but they refused to believe what was going on because I think deep down they all thought nothing would ever change. Since most of them put their heads in the sand as it was. I'm still amazed, looking back on things they saw and so few of them stood up to Cole out of their own fears or flaws. I don't even know anymore but it makes me sad. And now when they are faced with everything that went wrong under these bright lights, standing in front of me and telling me they are sorry he died and they're lying, well, it's worse.
But only for Bridget.
Hey. It happens, right?. Maybe it's for the better. I get to see everyone's true colors and moral compasses for the first time all in a very short time span and what's amazing is how spellbound they all were. By me. And how much they enjoyed the fucked up uninhibited Bridget and had little use for the hurting one, or the one who just wants to be happy with no bull. Like there was some kind of difference. And my standards were high. Which really makes me wonder if I ever had any real friends in the first place. And precious few volunteers for replacements. No volunteers, truthfully.
We walk in your footsteps
Though I've had my ups and downs
And I'll stand in the silence
Until I figure it out
One might fall and the other will stand
And one might give where the other won't bend
The night is bright as the sun
I'm never gonna know
Never gonna look back
Never gonna know where we would have ended up at
The end has only begun
So stop counting the hours
Live out in the world
Cause I've been chasing the answers
And they don't want to be found
One might fall and the other will stand
And one might give where the other won't bend
The night is as bright as the sun
I'm never gonna know
Never gonna look back
Never gonna know where we would have ended up at
The end has only begun
Well the day
Tonight feels like a million miles away
And these times just won't change
Life just stays the same
I'd give anything to see the light of day
Cause I've been too far away
To hear you whispering
They say one might fall and the other will stand
And one might give where the other won't bend
The night is as bright as the sun
I'm never gonna know
Never gonna look back
Never gonna know where we would have ended up at
The end has only begun
Well the day
Tonight feels like a million miles away
And these times just won't change
Life just stays the same
I'd give anything to see the light of day
What you do
No one can decide it's up to you
And who you are is what you choose
These times when the world falls apart
Make us who we are
(The song Jacob sings the most often, now one of my favorites.)
